This is a sensitive subject, and it can easily be pushed into a confrontational frame. So it is worth making one thing clear at the beginning: talking about men as the subject of gendered pressure does not mean ignoring the fact that women face the same, or often more serious, forms of harm. Nor is it an attempt to prove that because men have gender-related problems, men are therefore “right” and women are “wrong.”
If you need to take a side before the discussion even begins, or if you believe one side must be morally higher, more correct, or more deserving of attention than the other, then this probably is not a useful discussion to continue.
A few days ago, I came across a social media post that had compiled Reddit discussions about discrimination against men. I saved it, thinking it would be worth writing about. Not long afterward, the post disappeared. The account behind it explained that sharing those discussions was not meant to discriminate against women, nor to stir up hostility between men and women. That kind of explanation is probably not rare. But the fact that it has to be made so quickly and defensively is, in itself, part of the environment that keeps gender prejudice alive.
What does discrimination against men look like?
In a Chinese-speaking context, what kinds of gendered treatment do men describe as discriminatory?
Some examples are familiar enough that many people may not even notice them anymore. When boys play games associated with girls in childhood, or later take up activities such as Latin dance, they may be mocked as effeminate. On dates, a man who does not pay may be called stingy, while a woman not paying is often treated as normal. A woman entering a men’s restroom may be dismissed as an awkward mistake, while a man entering a women’s restroom can be treated as a threat. Women wearing menswear are much more easily accepted than men wearing women’s clothing. A short woman may be called cute; a short man is much more likely to be insulted harshly.
There is also the question of men being objectified. Under the influence of idol dramas and romantic fantasies, some men feel that women also evaluate men as objects to be selected, judged, and filtered. A man with a small or thin build may feel that he has a lower chance of being chosen as a romantic partner.
Family roles offer another example. If a married woman earns money outside the home while her husband stays home to care for the children, the man can easily be described as “living off his wife,” even when the arrangement is a practical division of labor.
Everyday language carries similar assumptions. Calling boys “straight men” as a casual insult has become common in some online spaces. So has a certain kind of joking in romantic relationships, such as saying that the less desirable parts of food—strawberry tops, tart shells, pizza crusts—should all be given to boys. What looks like playful teasing can also reveal a lack of respect toward men in intimate relationships.
There are smaller, repeated moments as well: being fat, being bad at sports, not liking ball games like “other boys,” or having visible fat on the chest can all become reasons for ridicule from both boys and girls. Another uncomfortable scenario is when women say in summer, “Boys can use umbrellas too,” as if men are a single group of people too obsessed with saving face to make their own judgments.
Clothing and appearance are another obvious area. Women in masculine clothing may be praised as cool. Men in feminine clothing are more likely to be described as having a “fetish” or as being unmanly. Women can wear their hair long or short with relatively less pressure; men with long hair often have to withstand much more judgment. A woman without sexual experience may be praised as virtuous, while a man without sexual experience may be mocked.
These examples do not all carry the same weight, and they do not all produce the same consequences. But they point to a shared mechanism: a man is punished, mocked, or devalued for failing to perform the version of masculinity expected of him.
What counts as discrimination?
I have touched on this before through a different example. A husband was very sensitive to certain words his wife used. When she described something the two of them had done together to a friend, she used the word “I.” To him, that “I” sounded jarring. It created a strong sense of separation. He asked whether his reaction was “normal.”
The question itself was not stupid. What stood out was that he used “normal” as the standard by which to judge his own feelings. This is connected to the same system that tells men “real men do not cry.” It does not allow a husband, as a man, to be emotionally sensitive about the wording his wife uses.
The moment we talk about men experiencing discrimination, many people instinctively compare it to discrimination against women and ask which is more serious. If that is the only framework available, the discussion will almost inevitably become a ranking contest. That is precisely the trap worth avoiding.
The first core question is: when men are discriminated against, must women be the discriminators?
Obviously not. Once we step outside a black-and-white frame, the issue becomes clearer. Whether the target is male or female, the actor behind discrimination is not simply “the opposite sex.” It is people. Men discriminate against men. Women discriminate against women. Changing the gender of the target or the actor does not automatically change the structure of the prejudice.
Second, discrimination is not necessarily oppositional. Discrimination against men and discrimination against women are not two cleanly separated forces facing each other across a line. Very often, they are intertwined.
Take driving as an example. If I encounter a driver whose skills seem poor, I may automatically assume the driver is a woman. If I overtake the car and discover the driver is a man, the prejudice can actually intensify: “How can a man drive that badly?” In that single reaction, several gendered assumptions are mixed together:
- women are worse drivers;
- men are supposed to be better drivers;
- when a man fails to meet that expectation, he deserves extra judgment.
This is why the subject cannot be reduced to “men versus women.” The same stereotype can press down on both sides at once. It says women are naturally worse at something, and it says men who are not better at it are defective.
Third, the deeper reason discrimination is so hard to eliminate is that gender itself is organized as a category of difference. This difference is not only semantic. It is also tied, at least in part, to biological distinctions such as hormone levels, thinking patterns influenced by hormones, and animal instincts. More broadly, human beings tend to organize social life through classification and group identity. Gender happens to be one of the most stable and easily recognized ways of classifying human beings.
Of course, some people may want to distinguish carefully between “discrimination,” “prejudice,” and “stereotype.” That distinction is useful, but it also needs boundaries.
- Discrimination refers to unfair or unequal treatment of an individual or group, especially treatment that limits rights or opportunities. It emphasizes action. For example, women finding it harder to be promoted at work, or a stay-at-home husband losing job opportunities because employers look down on his family role.
- Prejudice refers to an unfair, unreasonable judgment or negative attitude toward a person or group based on insufficient or non-objective information. It is built on stereotypes and emphasizes attitude and emotion. For example, disliking an older person simply because their age makes their advice feel condescending.
- Stereotype refers to a generalized, fixed, and simplified view of a group or category. It emphasizes cognition. For example, assuming that a woman who dresses revealingly must be promiscuous, or that a good-looking man must have extensive romantic experience.
With these distinctions in mind, we can return to the examples above and ask: which men have suffered actual behavioral harm because of discrimination?
Being insulted or humiliated because of behavior coded as feminine is one case. Being disrespected in a romantic relationship because one is male is another. Being mocked for body type, hobbies, clothing, emotional expression, or sexual inexperience may not always restrict formal rights, but it can still become a repeated pattern of social punishment.
Men, of course, have emotional lives. When men are required to maintain masculine traits at all times, when weakness is denied or ridiculed, when vulnerability becomes something shameful, men may suffer real psychological harm because they are not allowed to release emotion. Is that not also harm produced by discriminatory behavior?
So yes, one can return to strict definitions and argue over words. But doing so may miss the issue at stake here: men can experience harm in practice because of their gender. If a social rule forces men to compress their emotions until psychological problems emerge, I would consider that a form of behavioral harm.
Compared with the discrimination women face, discrimination against men may be far less severe in both form and degree. Some would go further and argue that discrimination against women is systemic, and that from a systemic perspective, discrimination against men cannot truly exist at all.
That is a separate question, and one that deserves to be discussed on its own terms.