That should have been a happy day. It did not end perfectly, and there were regrets, but I do not blame you. It was not your fault. I love you more than anyone except your parents.
I let a few days pass before writing this. I kept wondering whether I should leave it out, let it fade, and go back to pretending it was ordinary. I fought my own anger. But life is not made only of pleasant things. If I record anything at all, I should record the joy and the anger too.
June 6: Happy to be the errand guy
It was the wedding day of my wife's best friend, the bride. We got to the bride's home early. Partly out of respect, partly because a wedding day has too many moving parts and an extra pair of hands is always useful. The world is small: the bride and groom lived in the same residential compound, two minutes apart. More reason to share the joy.
We arrived around 8:30. At the gate, there was a double happiness sign above the entrance and not much else. It felt unusually low-key for a wedding. Inside was the same. Only four households were there: the bride's uncle, her eldest uncle, her grandfather, and an uncle by marriage. The first door was guarded only by the bride's older and younger brothers. Few people, plenty of idle time.
Fireworks are banned now, so people use electronic firecrackers. We had bought some for our own wedding and could reuse them, so we gave them to the bride's family. No one hung them downstairs, though. In the end, we took them down and hung them ourselves. I was the utility man that day: door games, firecrackers, and then pulled over to set off the ceremonial cannons. Haha.
Last year at our wedding, both houses felt lively. People gathered as soon as we arrived, and neighbors and friends came to help and make noise. I think a wedding should be lively: more people, more noise, more celebration.
At the bride's home that day, everyone seemed relaxed. No one really coordinated, and the atmosphere stayed flat. But a wedding is a first for everyone involved. Even if you have seen many, something will be arranged badly, and that is unavoidable. I understood that. For me, being the errand guy, helping and sharing a little joy was enough.
A wedding is a formality. Decorations are auxiliary, like home renovation, with no bottom line. The real proof is whether the bride and groom are happy together.
June 6: The small regret
Halfway through the day came lunch. My wife had no appetite and ate nothing. Later, at the hotel, she rested briefly. Before 2 p.m., she and her best friend, the bride, decided to have a drink. I had not heard them discuss it; I just found myself getting up to go. At the western restaurant, I was clueless, only realizing after the fact that we were there to drink.
The bride ordered a bottle of white wine. I did not drink because my tolerance is poor and I had to drive. The bride poured out her work troubles. They had not seen each other in a long time, so drinking a little to relieve stress made sense. Half a bottle was not a problem for my wife either. When half a glass was left, the bride suddenly told the waiter to bring another bottle. And there was a wedding banquet that night. I was already annoyed. For the sake of my wife's close friend, I held back and said nothing.
Near the end of the second bottle, I noticed my wife's face turning pale. I knew she had drunk too much. After we left the restaurant, her hands were cold. I confirmed she was tipsy but still awake and walking fine, so I thought it would pass. I was naive.
For a while after leaving, she was clear. About fifteen minutes later, the wine caught up. She grew dizzy and said she needed the toilet to vomit. I waited outside. After two or three minutes, I panicked. Was she asleep in there? The bride panicked too and found a bridesmaid to bring water. I tried to be polite to the bride and said it was fine, probably because my wife had not drunk in a long time and it hit her suddenly. After I said that, the bride went to the banquet. Just left.
I was terribly worried my wife would pass out in the toilet. It felt like at least twenty minutes before she came out, dizzy, holding my waist tightly, weak, and saying she wanted to rest in the car. I pressed the elevator button. On the way down, every retch from her hit my heart. She kept saying sorry. She said she had not protected the person she loved, and the fault was hers. What was I doing? Why had I not stopped the bride from ordering that second bottle? Now my wife was nearly unconscious. The one who should have said sorry was me.
After saying goodbye to the bride, I drove us home. Seeing the person I love like that left me full of self-blame and guilt and many feelings I could not name.
June 7: The fight
The next day, after work, I had been holding my anger all day. My wife did not mention yesterday. I could not help asking, Did your friend message you later? She said yes. Nothing else.
To me, that felt like she did not want to talk about it. I sat at the computer in silence. I did not know how to bring it up. The more I thought, the angrier I got. I am the kind of person who will suffocate if something is not resolved.
Furious, I walked out and lay on the sofa. Yesterday replayed in my head. It was a stone in my chest. To move it, I knew we would have to fight.
I yelled. There were two reasons.
First, I had sent a message saying we were resting in the garage and would decide about dinner later. Was that really what a good friend does? Get someone drunk, then go alone to the banquet. If I were that friend, I would have come to the garage to check. She did not even look. It is the same as those news stories where people urge drinks, call an ambulance, and then no one stays with the person. It is avoiding the problem. That made me furious.
Second, during our talk, my wife mentioned becoming the bride's guardian if the bride ever lost capacity. The bride's family background is sad, and I can understand it as comfort. But guardian is not a light word. It carries legal responsibility. I think too much. I already think about caring for both sets of parents, and maybe we will not manage. Add an outsider? Even if the bride's relatives are bad, that is still her family's business. When people talk, they will say becoming a guardian is about getting her money.
My mom stopped us, and we ended the fight. I apologized for my tone, but the issues I raised should still be considered. Maybe I have seen too little, or maybe I love my wife too much. Any tiny flaw gets magnified. I have changed some of my temper. I still lose it, but I try to speak calmly.
There is a saying: a home is not a courtroom for winning arguments; it is a place for affection. Many times, venting dissatisfaction leaves hearts cold. Winning the argument loses the feeling.
Please forgive me for still caring about this. I saw it and lived it, so I still have feelings. It may take time to fade. It is late. Turn the page.
I am not the best at this, but I will always love you.